I'm staring at the computer and find I have sat here for a total of a few hours already this morning. After I took my dh to work, dropped off a car at the shop, stopped at Walmart for a beta fish they didn't have, promptly forgot the saline solution I meant to buy when I was there, I've perused multiple sites on the computer, searched for a kayak, checked into airline prices to San Diego, entered VBS registrations, monitored facebook, google reader, and three email accounts, set up payment with a past due patient account so they could avoid collections, walked up to the garden and picked some cucumbers, picked one almost red tomato (yea!), walked by the mess in my kitchen and living room, stared at the cupboards wondering what to fix for lunch, washed a zucchini to later make into bread, got out the playdough, and now I am back at the computer, feeling compelled to write something on my blog.

And, technically, I guess I did - write something that is.

Note how, really, nothing of any value is listed in that first paragraph. Where's the spiel on my relationship with the Lord and how I was building that up today? Where is the part about what I learned in my daily bible reading? Where is my challenge to others to dig deeper, search more, learn more, and do something of heavenly value vs earthly? To me, it's obviously missing.

I've come to the realization that I am a hopelessly selfish person. I've realized it over and over, but I hate when it comes crashing down on me yet again. The thing is, by the power of ME, I can not change it. I try, thinking I've got the world all under control, all the ins and outs of managing my life, but truly, I can't do one bit of difference in my life if I don't keep vested in the power of the Spirit. I am living proof of that fact. Today, I feel like I have a stinky slime of selfishness poured all over me - I lash out at my dh when he is not meeting my needs. I get short with my children when they don't do what I want them to do. I don't think of the feelings of others because it may mean I have to sacrifice something in the process. I hate the feeling, but sometimes I just wallow in it, digging deeper and getting more immersed in my "poor me" attitude.

It's directly related to my walk - if I neglect the Word, my time with the Lord, I easily slip further and further into myself and what "I" need. I become more important than others. All my good intentions go by the wayside and I can justify my behavior as being triggered by someone else. But, you know what? It's me. It's me. It's me. I'm the one at fault and the one who needs a heart change. A change from within, so that the outer view is a reflection of my clean and changed heart.

I need to get back in shape - spiritual shape. Summer is a time filled with SO many things - all can be good, but they also can be a distraction from the one and only thing that matters. My personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord for grace and mercy, which is new every morning.

I still have a list a mile long, but all this is for naught if I am not doing it with a joyful, thankful heart. May God continually do a good work in my heart - and yours.

Blessings to each of you today!
9 Responses
  1. Roy Clan Says:

    Oh, Sarah.... you sound just like me! Thanks for expressing your heart so that I know that I'm not alone. My desire is to serve the Lord and it is so easy to get wrapped up in "me" and that isn't serving Him.

  2. Amy Says:

    Man, don't we all just have the warts... ugh! I hear ya.... stinky, smelly, ol' flesh!

    Thanks for sharin' your heart... I love your transparency and realness, Sarah! Really really is beautiful!

    Hugs.... Amy

  3. Joyce Says:

    Hi, Sarah,
    As I read your blog and Facebook postings, I realize that you are at that stage in family life that is just plain BUSY! Like you say, though, still devotion to the Lord comes first. At times like this, I come before Him honestly. He knows my inmost thoughts and motivations anyway. And I say, 'Lord, you know how I fail. Cause me to love You with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! You saved me, Lord! Enable me to grow in grace, too!'

    It's all of grace: salvation AND sanctification.

    You ARE a sinner. But the Lord saves sinners. I'm so thankful, because I'm a sinner, too. <3

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Great post Sarah - I know exactly what you're talking about. This post encouraged me - thanks for sharing your heart!

  5. Barbara Says:

    what honest expression...that a lot of us can identify with. I've heard my pastor say many times..."good things can become bad things if they keep you from the best things"...its one I remind myself of often.

    May He continue to draw us all closer and closer....

  6. Bonnie Says:

    great post. and great reminder. love your honesty ...

  7. Bee Jay Says:

    Isn't it amazing that we all seem to know exactly how you feel - it seems we've all either been there or maybe even are there now and can totally empathise with you. Isn't is great that the Lord also knows how we feel? He is right beside us even during these times of admonishing. Better days are ahead! Blessings!

  8. Melanie Says:

    Your post gave me a lot to think about. Many times my priorities are just not right and my time with the Lord suffers.

  9. Tiffany Says:

    I could have written this blog post too--with a different list of a million things I have done but still leaving out the quiet time. I am really working on that as I work my way back into a routine.